Forever Young, Forever Ed
by MysteriousSunset
Summary: Just a quick little fic I wrote about how Ed experiences love for the first time, and is scared that she loves Spike. No real coupling, just feelings from Ed's perspective. R&R, arigatou gozaimasu.


Forever Young, Forever Ed  
  
Disclaimer: I own not anything in this fic, so please don't sue me. If you sue me, you have no proof. Hah! How does that fit into your little scheme? You . don't have a scheme? Darn it! Foiled again .  
  
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As Ed treaded up the halls of the Bebop with her ungainly strides, she sighed and looked down to her bare feet, which seemed heavier than usual, as if they were carrying something extra. She slowed her pace and felt the thoughts pulling at the back of her mind, begging to be set free. She shook them out of her head and sped up again, running until she came to a door, which she hopped through and stopped before flying headfirst into a wall. Another hall ran laterally, and the shiny black walls in it reflected her image.  
  
She spun around to look at herself, and for the first time noticed how skinny and gawky she looked. The short white top and tight black shorts showed just how shapeless she was. Envying Faye, Ed touched her short hair and remembered that Spike had mistaken her as a boy at first, like everyone else.  
  
Spike. Everyone always assumed she was a boy by her appearance, but she had never cared before, she had actually found it amusing. But with Spike, she felt different. She felt the need to impress him, to make him notice her. Feeling the thoughts rise up in her mind again she pushed them back, using the key to bar them in instead of letting them free. She scowled at her form again, trying to make her chest appear larger, her hips more shapely, her eyes more smoky.  
  
She tried to walk with a swagger and a lilt, moving her hips from side to side, but it only ended up looking awkward and clumsy, no matter how hard she tried. She pictured Faye in her mind, the dark beauty of her and how bshe/b was so different, with her short, fiery hair and boyish looks. She pictured Spike again and felt her heart race and her skin flush, matching the hue of her cheeks. She didn't know what these emotions were, or what they meant, but she knew she probably shouldn't have them.  
  
She pondered as she halfheartedly skipped along, and let happy thoughts consume her, although she made sure to keep the bad ones locked up in the darkest corner of her mind, hoping to never find them again. But they always came back. Singing an old, childish tune as she skipped help her think of her happy things, but she finally stopped again, her feet still weighted, sitting down in the middle of the hallway, and facing her reflection.  
  
Someone stared back at her, but she couldn't tell who it was. That person wasn't smiling or laughing, and they weren't doing handstands or swinging Ein around. They were looking scared and sad . and they were looking alone. She raised a hand and held it up, pressing her fingers and then her palm against the soothing metal. She placed her other hand on it as well, and then her forehead, letting the coolness counter the heat of her mind. She knew the only way to figure out what this was, was to let her thoughts come out.  
  
She felt a strange sensation in her chest as she pictured Spike again. This time she didn't try to push back the feeling or to make Spike disappear, but instead she let it all flow out, letting it wash over her in waves. It was a hot tingling, a soothing cover of warmth that was filled with . something deep. It was filled with something remorseful too, as if she knew it was wrong. "How am I supposed to know what this is . if I can't know how to feel it without pain?" She whispered, her head still against the metal. She knew in her heart what it was, but didn't even want to admit it to herself.  
  
If she admitted the truth, her being would be shattered forever. She knew if she told herself the truth, she could no longer be the same Ed. She could no longer be the child she once was. So she held it back, and whispered again, her voice small and shaking. "Should I keep this in me . keep it a mystery and save myself, or should I let it loose . and let it consume me." She knew both came with pain, both with fear . and both with happiness. She just didn't know which one she was supposed to choose.  
  
Her fingers turned white as she pressed them even harder against the metal, willing herself to become one with it, to take on it's steely will and untainted pureness. She fought a silent battle within herself, not knowing which side to cheer for, or even which side was which. Deep down, way deep down in her heart she felt the pressing again, the pressing that was hot, and yet cool and soothing, like the metal that was now warm yet clammy against her skin.  
  
She tried to hum her quiet tune, but couldn't bring up a voice to sing up. She just sat with her head and hands against the wall, thinking with the mêlée inside of her. Just as she thought she would burst, and that her head could hold no more a deep voice came from down the hallway. "Ed?" Spike had his head sticking out the door, his face calm and distant, as always.  
  
She couldn't draw her body away from the wall, she couldn't leave it's cool security, for she felt that if she let go, everything would come spilling out at once, and she wouldn't be able to stop it once it had started. She tried to gather herself before he started to speak again, and then suddenly realized what she needed to do. "Hai, Spike-person?" She asked cheerfully, smiling at him and pushing herself up so she was only supported by her arms.  
  
Spike was halfway between a grin and a scowl as he said, "Come on, Faye and Jet are waiting. We didn't know where you'd went to." He ducked out of the small doorway again and Ed stood, dashing after him. As Ein came racing up to her, barking loudly, she scooped him up and twirled him around in circles until she began to get dizzy, knowing that now wasn't her time to grow up. She knew she couldn't give up her joy for someone just yet, and she knew that one day .  
  
. she would be able to love someone, without feeling the pain.  
  
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Author's Note: Yuppers, this is my first Cowboy Bebop fic *streamers and balloons float down and banner opens* Yay! Part at the Bebop! *carts off Spike* *cough* Okay, now to the important stuff. Please read and review, comments, what you liked, what you didn't, constructive criticism and all that. No flames unless you really hate it that much (even bI/b didn't think I was that bad, but hey! I might be .) and then I'll probably just ignore you anyway. Heh. 


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